seasons of love; or, on transition

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?  How about love?  How about love? Measure in love
Seasons of love, seasons of love

Feeling the creative writing twitch as I’m in between the last few waking hours of life as I know it before starting school on Monday. It’s been an interesting past few weeks as we welcomed the new team from Ann Arbor (Pastor Andrew, Nickey, Emanuel, Tina, Jane, Angela, and Eric) in mid-June and have slowly been transitioning responsibilities from the team members who have newly arrived in the States (P Seth & family, Rachel, Joe, Ruth, Sam) to those of us who are still here.

It will have been one year in Indonesia on July 11. As I’m writing, I’m trying to process the excitement of things starting to pick up again (with our first church-wide prayer gathering on Saturday and school starting on Monday – professional development for the teachers, anyway…) and also processing the “bereavement” I feel in the absence of the team members who left for the States on Tuesday and have arrived by now.

Tuesday at the airport was actually really hard. When we first arrived in Jakarta, as we were loading up the cars with our luggage to drive to what would be our new home, I was already thinking about how I might feel to find myself at the same place a year later. I imagined I’d be all packed up and ready to say some “see-you-when-I-see-you’s” – and here I find myself writing in the middle of the night in my living room just west of Jakarta, staying for at least another year.

I have heard over the past few days that it’s only natural to feel some of the emotions that I have been feeling – and I do require prayer because I don’t want to process in a way that becomes self-focused or that makes me forget why I stayed here. I do feel thankful, however, when I think about “the fullness of Him who fills everything in everyway…” (Ephesians 1:23) and when I think of that verse, I think of all of the cracks and crevices in my heart that God wants to fill with Himself.

That said, Tuesday was hard because I felt really loved – through the affirmation of a spiritual father, through the encouraging words of a younger brother, through the care of life group members, and even through letters from home sent by my parents that I finally had time to read later that evening.

“But seriously – when God works in your life, He works in all of the areas of your life,” I heard her say as she finished sharing about the things that God was doing in her life. This was back in August, in the living room of a city that I claimed as my new home. As I was listening to her, I couldn’t have imagined the ways that God wanted to prove His love and redemptive nature to me in my own life throughout this year.

“The entire law is summed up in one command: love your neighbor as yourself.” (Galatians 5:14) It’s been easy to see this as a one way street – but so encouraging to grasp anew besides the fact that we love God by loving people, that God loves us through people who choose to love their neighbors (us) too.

People ask me when they realize that I have been here for a while if I like Indonesia. While there are myriad things that happen that I still don’t understand and are definitely helping to cultivate patience in me (or at least reveal the lack thereof!), I have to smile as I answer and tell them that I love this place because I know that it is exactly where God wants me to be for this time in my life. It is a place where I have learned how to articulate things that I never quite knew how to express until I came here. A few examples that come to mind: I’ve always wanted my father to be active and present in my life; to have meaningful conversations and share transparently with my mother; to have an older sister; to have a little brother; to know what it feels like to belong…

It’s crazy to think that had my seemingly wonderful plans worked out – would have been third year of law school this year, the possibility of an impending engagement and subsequent marriage built on a faulty foundation (emphasis on possibility) – I could have missed out on experiencing the brokenness and restoration of the relationship with my biological father and gain a spiritual father; to work through the intricacies of the disconnect between parents and children and love lost in translation between the parties – and working through confession of trespasses between my mother and me, and the meaning of forgiveness towards each other; to be mentored by an older sister (Rachel) and encouraged by a younger brother (Sam); and shepherded by everyone else in between…

I haven’t had the chance to jalan-jalan (travel) all around Indonesia and see places like Lake Toba in Sumatra or Komodo Island or Lombok – and I’m not criticizing those who have, but what I do mean to say is that this place has become like a precious home to me even though I’m faraway from those that I love, because here I have been exposed for what I really am, and shown that I am still loved in spite of it – through people who have seen me day in and day out and have loved me as Jesus Christ loved us, by laying down His life for us when He died on the cross for our sins and then rose again.

It’s supposed to be dry season here – and from what I’ve heard, dry season was supposed to have started back in January. Insofar, it rained torrentially at least 3-4 times today. It's a stretch but I mentioned the rain because it just doesn’t make sense that it keeps on raining when really it should be...not raining. Kind of like how in the face of loss, it would be only natural to feel only bereaved;  but I'm still so joyful and thankful when I think about the past year – and feel the same as I think about the year to come.

If any of my teammates who are away from this place end up reading this, I miss you incredibly. For those who are here in GMT + 7:00 and reading this, thanks for your love and I’m looking forward to going deeper in our relationships and knowing each other and God more together. And to others who don’t fall into either of those groups, to quote something I read recently, “I hope that you can know how loved you are…by God.”

And as always, thanks for reading.