A bit of pretense before what I drafted below on 19 July: A friend of mine mentioned that she blogs quite frequently because she has quite a following of readers from her alma mater, and that loves to add a touch of humor to her posts. It reminded me that I haven’t touched this blog in months and that I should probably give a long overdue update (even though I’m sure I don’t even have quite the following that she does and my posts are usually more reflective rather than funny…which I’m okay with, and definitely want to be better at being more unedited and more humorous!) One piece of feedback that I received pretty frequently was the interest in how everyday life goes. To be honest, things that seemed so new and fresh to me about life in Jakarta have become “normal” and just a part of my daily life - so it has been hard to pick out the differences between my life there and my life here. But I do want to make more of an effort to give whoever is reading this a better picture of “daily life” and what God is doing here (whether in Indonesia or in me)… that said, I jotted down the following during some down time I had at school and wanted to share it as my way of processing the different changes that I encountered upon arriving back in Indonesia for what will be my third year here:
19 July :: My K1s and K2s are actually housed in the same classrooms that they were in last year. One of my K2s said to me, “In my class, I only have my friend Rendi from K1B” - when really they have a whole classroom full of colorful and unique personalities to get to know. So much change.
See I am doing a new thing…
The old has gone, the new has come!
Once I arrived in Jakarta over two weeks ago, we were all running around quite literally -with many people a part of our summer missions projects to Jogjakarta and Lampung. When the teams left, I stayed back here in Jakarta for work. I definitely felt the vacuum of people, and finally had the space to process different things: that I was back “home” in the States a mere couple of weeks ago and now back “home” in Jakarta; the absence and soon to be absence of people who have been in my life for a while; and that after two years I no longer live with and work with the same people that I serve in ministry with.
It has been easy to struggle with feelings of abandonment - even thinking back to events that I never actually witnessed: the death of my grandfather when he was 38, leaving behind his wife and four children; the death of my grandmother the week that my mother found that she was pregnant with me; and the various times I have watched people walk out of my life for various reasons.
Sure, it hurts.
My comfort: being reminded of God’s promise that he never leaves or forsakes us and that he loves us with an everlasting love. My perspective of change and of Him has been so skewed. The old paradigm: to open my heart and love is foolish because people will leave just when I do. But actually, Jesus loved with all of his heart, and he I have felt the right to be self-protective and to hold back. I love that my K2s (who were formerly my K1s) are still so tender of heart. I have been so nervous throughout this week about the K1s crying during class time, but the K2s have really cheered me so much with their unrestrained hugs and exclamations of “Miss Iris!”
As I wrote that, it made me think of God’s Father heart and how it must swell when we do the same towards him. I think this year will be even more stretching than I can comprehend. All the same spaces (job, living space, ministry) and yet a different context for things and people…
All things pass away but the Word of the Lord remains forever.
It’s the last day of 2010 and all I can say is that I have been meaning to post more frequently.The last few weeks of term 2 were pure madness sprinting through end of semester assessments, the kindy Christmas drama, and then hosting my family after their arrival a few days after the term ended.For November, please feel free to check the comprehensive update at the HMCC of Jakarta update page.I definitely have the desire to write more about everything that has transpired since my last update, but lack the patience to edit everything.I will post a few more thoughts on things I have been thinking about at the close of the year.
Christmas is all about Jesus (written on 25 December)
Really interesting to hear people's impressions of the Christmas season. Hearts and flowers and love being all around. I've spent most of my life in the Christmas season as winter. There are several factors in my new surroundings that have challenged my thoughts about this holiday:
Kindy Christmas Drama:
Yes, I wrote it. In the midst of term 2 assessments. Very haphazardly, I'll admit. And last minute, as is my usual style. It was about a boy who had an attitude problem on Christmas Eve, threw a temper tantrum when he didn't get his way, which was to open presents - especially his Ben Ten toy - that night instead of singing carols. He time traveled to Bethlehem on the night Jesus was born in a dream. He sees a real life uncle of his who is a shepherd. After hearing a chorus of angels heralding the birth of Christ, the uncle shepherd takes the boy to his parents' inn, where the boy finds Jesus, understands that his tantrum was wrong and that he is a sinner, and wonders as he holds the sleeping baby why the Son of God would ever come down to earth in the form of a small, vulnerable baby to eventually die on the cross for the sins of mankind. He wakes up to his mother shaking him gently, hugs her, tells her sorry, and runs to the Christmas tree to sing "Happy Birthday, Jesus," a song that declares that Christmas and all things associated with it are wonderful, but it is all about Him.I hope my 3, 4, 5, and 6 year olds got it - especially since it mentioned Ben Ten and they love him. (unfinished)
= 31 December 2010 edit =
A trip to Pasar Baru
My parents insisted upon taking public transportation on their second day here – meaning the buses and angkots (smaller buses) taken by the nationals.I have stuck to the conventional taksi even though they are considerably more expensive because I still lack confidence in my ability to communicate in the event that I get lost.Also a westerner, I value getting to places on time and not having wait for long periods of time for transportation.My mother challenged me as I showed anxiety over taking transport that I have chosen to remain unfamiliar with during my time here and said, “What are you afraid of? Getting lost?” Everything in me said ‘yes’ after having been lost for my share of times in Jakarta.A conversation with the head of security at the place where my parents have been staying settled some of my doubts and off we headed to the market.After making it there and back in one piece, I realized how self-protective I have been from various past experiences of feeling taken advantage of when people have recognized that I’m not actually Indonesian; how unforgiving and unwilling to move on from a series of events that I thought I brushed off easily.As my parents couldn’t communicate easily with people, it was up to me to ask for help getting to our destination and to home.I realized that actually, I do know quite a bit more of Bahasa Indonesia than I thought – and that it was very humbling to place myself in the hands of people and trust them to get me to where I needed to be.Everyone along the way was very helpful and even more accommodating when they realized that it was our first time to that particular pasar.One woman who was giving us directions back home even offered to drive us as far as Serpong, a town next to Karawaci, and then we could find our way home from there.I felt very broken at the end of the day when I thought about how very good I have been about keeping a closed and protected heart throughout my time here.Especially when thinking about how Jesus made himself vulnerable to everybody – even to the moment when he died on the cross to pay the penalty of sins he did not commit.
Family excursion; or, getting an education on love
Some family friends of ours let us use their timeshare for a getaway outside of Jakarta.Located near a main street, we had easy access to miles of coastline on one side – and on the other, easy access to the small kampung streets. We ate cheaply in the warungs (roadside food stalls) instead of the pricey restaurants, which gave us a chance to enjoy a variety of Indonesian cuisine while identifying with the day-to-day dwellers of paradise – vendors who just sit and wait for hours and hours in the dense heat of the day.My parents kept remarking on the similarities between the people of Indonesia and the Philippines, and I must have heard the history lesson that during the Majapahit empire, the Philippines were part of Indonesia’s conquests – which is why we “have the same face,” which is what many of the nationals keep remarking to the members of my family.I was amazed to watch them converse freely with the housekeepers and adopt the driver that we hired for a day (and then two, and then three) like a son.After watching from afar the trials at home, I have seen people who have experienced the power of God’s grace and though imperfect people yet still, seeing them live with hearts of utter gratitude to their Maker – and doing it through love and kindness to each person we interacted with.I learned more about Hinduism during our drives to different places from my parents’ constant curiosity and questions for our driver, who is only about two years older than I am.Very humbling to think that he is already a family man, married when he was slightly younger than I am now, with twin three-year-old daughters – and he probably makes a little more than $2-3 USD a day.(Driving is a culturally accepted vocation and creates opportunities for employment for men here who would ordinarily have a hard time finding work; also, there was virtually no public transportation where we stayed – just for those who might be “stumbled” to read about drivers here).
Ordinarily, I would have kept to myself like I do in a Jakarta taksi but I’m learning again what it looks like to love people genuinely and open-heartedly.As I listened to my parents getting to know the people at the front desk, house keeping, security, and our driver, this verse came to mind: “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.” (Romans 12:16)
It was really beautiful to hear my father saying in person to me recently, after his demotion in August, “I have learned that it doesn’t matter what you do – but it matters who you are.” Currently struggling through this, although I am proud to tell people that I am here to be a kindergarten teacher (but primarily learning how to love God and people more), I have been starting to feel small pangs of anxiety over how little I feel that I have "accomplished" since graduating.I have also judged people unfairly, expecting them to take advantage of me before giving them a chance - all to protect myself. Looking with uncertainty still into a new year, I will say that I am certain that I want to learn how to love without feeling the need to protect myself, and to trust my heart to a Jesus who withheld nothing from me, even his own life.Feels like it’s just like starting over, asking God to “create in me a clean heart,” as the Psalmist wrote.
Thanks for reading this lengthy-long-winded-long-windedness (after my brief, very haphazard edits).I hope that this year you may have greater conviction about your purpose and how God created you to be, and that you may experience the fullness of his grace and love in 2011.
[first draft 15 September; written largely on Sunday, 19 September]
It’s been a while since my last quasi-comprehensive post. With Pastor Andrew sharing part 8 of our series “The Journey” through the book of Exodus, titled “In Remembrance” today, he highlighted a series of words that start with the letters “re-”: (1) remember the Lord’s work in your life; (2) reconsecrate ourselves to God; and (3) restart your journey of following the Lord. I had already started “9/15 blog draft” last Wednesday with my own list of “re-”’s while sitting in the middle of the Jakarta traffic so characteristic of the city upon the return of its residents from the Idul Fitri holiday. Today has encouraged me to complete the reflection and at least update and share some thoughts and what has been happening on this side of the world...
repeat (sort of): Living in the most populous Muslim nation in the world, I have experienced for the second time the Idul Fitri, or known informally as Lebaran, holiday – the festival at the end of the Ramadan fasting time. It’s amazing to think back to where we were as a church a year ago. Shortly before this, we had just begun to meet in the junior school chapel of a school nearby with a handful our alumni from the University of Michigan, Indonesian nationals, and other expatriates. A year later, we have outgrown the original meeting space and are currently searching for a new space to house our Sunday Celebrations every week by mid-October. (Please partner with us in prayer over this!)
respite: We say “holiday” more commonly than “vacation” here. As a teacher at a national-plus school, it has been a holiday from stretches of days getting up with the sun to be out of the house and in traffic by 6:00 am with John, Irene Chung, Jane, Tina, and Irene Tanu. School starts at 7:00 am and sometimes the mornings are spent furiously laminating or making last minute adjustments to lesson plans. Some mornings, every recess, and some afternoons as the kids are going home, I get to be teacher on duty - or on watch, present and mindful of teetering children at the stairs or the courtyard. It’s been hard to learn the names of 194 kindies but good practice while greeting them in the mornings and then saying goodbye at the end of the day. Mondays and Wednesdays, I teach K2 and Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach K1 – straight from 8:30 am to 12:00 pm with a “break” for recess at 10:00 am and circle time or character building at 10:30 am. My working life is defined in 30 minute blocks of time!
recognize: It’s amazing to think that a year ago, Pastor Seth shared a message that Christ transforms us to start a new life in him, but first we must recognize the condition of our hearts. I remember finding myself sitting at the dinner table shortly after that with two of my roommates, sobbing uncontrollably about things that had happened years ago – “milestones” and emotional trauma in my life that I felt had blunted my normal development as a person. I find it incredible that I might have missed out on not being able to run away from myself and my wounds and brokenness until I came to a place where I was outside of my comfort zone, forced to recognize the true condition of my heart. And recognizing gave me the chance to reach out to God and to experience again what it means to be restored.
renew: With the time away from a life structured by school in the daytime and evenings structured by life group or meeting up with people, I have to admit that somewhere in the past three months, I have experienced the slow hardening of my heart. I also have to admit that it has been easy to just go through the motions of work and ministry – operating out of my own capacity in survival mode. I try to spend the mornings reading my Bible and praying during the 45 minute commute to school, but sometimes I find myself staring out the window at the sky blankly trying to remember why I’m here. It has also been easy during the holiday to take a holiday from everything, and even in spite of having all the time in the world, to put spending time with God lower on my list of priorities. With heading back to school tomorrow, my prayer echoes the Psalmist King David: “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”
refuge: I know that the only way that I can truly get through the next long stretch of school to December, feeling like life is always at a running pace, is to get back to the heart of God and recognizing who He is, rather than telling him how my life is and how I think that things should be. One way that I have been trying to do that is looking deeper into the Psalms that I’ve been merely reading, and attempting to catalogue the things about God that repeat. One recurring theme is that “God is our refuge.” Living faraway from my family experiencing their own set of struggles on the other side of the world, living in a nation state that officially recognizes 6 religions, I realize that the world that I live in is incredibly spiritual and that when I feel overwhelmed in the days to come, I can and must take my refuge in the Lord.
repent: I realize that part of the hardening of my heart has resulted from forgetting to take the time to pause, grapple with the sin in my heart over which I despair, and confess it honestly before God. To remember the weight of my sin and the redeeming work of Jesus Christ when he died on the cross for my sins. To remember his goodness in my life, in giving me the job that provided me with a visa to stay, for example.
restart: I know that tomorrow will feel like hitting the ground running, especially with having to remind the small ones about how a_e makes the sound of “long a.” I know that the pace of life will pick up from being able to rest from the past two weeks. I feel like I’m bracing myself, but I am also thankful and looking forward to the chance to restart.
resolved: I read in a devotional during the holiday that the Jews take three days to prepare for Sabbath and three days after reflecting on what they have learned. I don’t know how I’m going to do something similar, but I’m sharing this for accountability’s sake. And thinking of more resolutions as I anticipate ageing to a quarter of a century…
relationship: with God. I want it to thrive – to know and love him more, and to make him known. Not based just on factual knowledge, but because I am compelled because of what I have experienced.
But godliness with contentment is great gain. - 1 Timothy 6:6
I have to be honest and say that the last weeks of July and beginning of August has been a great challenge with survive or thrive; feeling much like the former from day to day but longing for the latter.
Hopped back on the M'Cheyne Bible Reading Plan (BRP) a few weeks back and found myself in the book of Jeremiah, where God was declaring his promises to his people: "I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place..." I also found myself paging back to the beginning of the book one Saturday morning to try to contextualize everything, but ended up reading until I found this in chapter 17: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives." (vv 5-6) Felt really convicted because it was an accurate reflection of how I have felt lately, especially with trying to juggle everything. Immediately after that, I read: "But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." (vv 7-8)
It's been easy to feel overwhelmed and much busier for some reason this year, especially when I look at my own capacity to do things. I trust myself and my ability to do things so much, rather than trusting completely in the Sovereign Lord that Jeremiah talks about a few chapters later, who "made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you." (32:17)
Last week, I also read, "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." (Psalm 13:5-6) I still have to remind myself that I'm not here to work (even though I LOVE teaching kindergarteners and feel like I fall in love with them more each day) and that I can trust in God's unfailing love. Lately, I've been really, really thankful when I look back on the past year - especially in those moments when it was so necessary to trust Him.
In an attempt to get away from the parched places of the desert and securely thriving, I'll "sing" [write] about my contentment with God's goodness and my "great gain" (see 1 Timothy 6:6 above) in my usual random and spontaneous way (before running off to lunch and being on duty while the children go home for the day...):
:: doing Operation Campus Reach (OCR) with our fellow life group members, and also with two girls I met a year ago at our OCR booth. Amazing that they ever joined us for life group, and stuck with us to partner in reaching out to college students.
::96 in attendance at Sunday Celebration yesterday, with 32 newcomers - after starting out last year with a team of 8 and a family of 5
:: getting soaked by the rain of a non-rainy-season Sunday afternoon while walking with hospitality team members I didn't know a year ago under the shelter of an umbrella to gather up directional signs after Sunday Celebration.
:: learning what it means to be child-like from my kindies, who walk like they are bouncing or running even when we say "WALK" and make me feel like a million bucks when they notice that I'm not wearing my glasses and say things like "Miss, why are you beautiful today?" when I wear dangly earrings
:: anticipating Sports Day tomorrow at SPH with our life group members and new students
:: anticipating my roommate Sarah's birthday coming up this Friday
:: anticipating upcoming ministry team meetings with members who love the church and who love Jesus and long to see people's lives transformed into Christ's disciples who will then transform the world...
We have sang a song at kindy chapel every week since school started which goes:
He is so good to you, He is so good to me
Jesus, He's so good to you and me
I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me...
When I told this to a friend who is a professional singer earlier this week, he responded wide-eyed with, “You…do…??”
Yes, indeed! I just started teaching kindergarten phonics at an international curriculum school to 95 kindy 1's and 99 kindy 2's. It's definitely hard getting up super early in the morning, but I love being crazy with the kids and singing all of the songs I remember from when I was their age. And I love it when I see the kids smiling and having fun. Definitely a contrast from what would have been year 3 of law school for me this fall. (And it makes me happy to know that two semesters of Voice 150 were good for something!)
I told my kindergarteners on Monday, the first day of school with the kids, that I myself was in kindergarten 19 years ago (!). I also started taking piano lessons at that age and continued to play until I graduated from high school. In spite of my years of experience, however, I admit that I’ve always been weak at music theory and that I’m a kid who likes to play inside the lines – musical staff lines, that is… I’ve grown up on jazz (and realized in college that it’s a great umbrella term of a word) but was never brave enough to improvise by myself at home and only sometimes in the context of a church youth group setting – with chord charts of course.
After years of willingly spreading myself thin on three musical instruments, I recognized that I could not be a musical prodigy and also pursue the lofty career aspirations where I thought I could make my mark on the world. So, upon entering university (as they say here, rather than “college,”) I opted out of the world of musical performance and but ironically into a world where I still got my worth out of performance – in what I studied, how well I performed grades-wise each semester, and how I looked on the outside. I also associated music with painful things that I wanted to forget, which also made it easier to cut music out of my life.
It’s ironic to see that the role that music has played in my life very much parallels who I have been and the kind of character I have developed over the years. For example, I didn’t like playing notes that weren’t from a template or from my lesson books because I knew they’d sound ugly and because I didn’t like failure and didn’t want to create things that sounded horrible. It was easy to associate failure with shame, and I wanted to avoid that at all costs.
The other day, I was asked by two of the kindy teachers if I could play the piano. My hesistant response was, “Ehhh…not well. But I can…” which prompted an immediate list of songs that I wasn’t exactly familiar with and then when I asked for sheet music or at least a chord chart, I got the hesitant response, “Okay, I’ll try…” and in the end, found myself plunking away on a piano by ear – something I was always afraid to do by myself, but doing somehow in front of almost complete strangers.
It’s interesting to see the redemption of an art I used to loathe, especially when I had to sit at the piano and practice for 30 straight minutes as a kid! I realized when I came here that it was my way of timidly expressing myself – through well-memorized notes and well thought out dynamics and tempo changes.
I actually started out playing the music in the kindy chapel, which we call “Character Building,” on Tuesday and then got replaced mid-song by one of the teachers who has been here for years and knows the songs. I won’t pretend and say it wasn’t embarrassing – it was hard to enthusiastically sing and do actions after stepping away from the keyboard, which I was afraid of touching in the first place. After a few minutes, I realized the irony of being at a space in time called “character building,” and a chance to be presented afresh with humility and also patience – especially in these first few days of school! I read once at P Seth’s blog (sethskim.com), “it is hard to go back to the place where you failed.” I was told yesterday that the K1’s and K2’s are splitting up for chapel starting next week, because it was a bit much for the K1’s to handle – and would I mind playing the piano for the K1’s? At least the younger ones will be more accommodating…?
I definitely feel stretched – especially after my first day with the K1’s on Tuesday. My kindergarten principal told me this week that my k1’s have an attention span of 4 minutes but I could have concluded it on my own! They get really wiggly when they know it's almost time to go home, too! I realized quickly as I tried to talk over the crying ones who were still getting used to their new environment that I had underplanned and started pulling out games and songs from when I was wee kindergartener myself. As you, the reader, can see - there are lots of chances to engage in the art of improvisation and I'm not professing to be good at it, but I know that this year, especially with all of the transitions and still getting used to our new work schedule and also other responsibilities, it's going to be a great chance to grow in it.
In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes - how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love Seasons of love, seasons of love
Feeling the creative writing twitch as I’m in between the last few waking hours of life as I know it before starting school on Monday. It’s been an interesting past few weeks as we welcomed the new team from Ann Arbor (Pastor Andrew, Nickey, Emanuel, Tina, Jane, Angela, and Eric) in mid-June and have slowly been transitioning responsibilities from the team members who have newly arrived in the States (P Seth & family, Rachel, Joe, Ruth, Sam) to those of us who are still here.
It will have been one year in Indonesia on July 11. As I’m writing, I’m trying to process the excitement of things starting to pick up again (with our first church-wide prayer gathering on Saturday and school starting on Monday – professional development for the teachers, anyway…) and also processing the “bereavement” I feel in the absence of the team members who left for the States on Tuesday and have arrived by now.
Tuesday at the airport was actually really hard. When we first arrived in Jakarta, as we were loading up the cars with our luggage to drive to what would be our new home, I was already thinking about how I might feel to find myself at the same place a year later. I imagined I’d be all packed up and ready to say some “see-you-when-I-see-you’s” – and here I find myself writing in the middle of the night in my living room just west of Jakarta, staying for at least another year.
I have heard over the past few days that it’s only natural to feel some of the emotions that I have been feeling – and I do require prayer because I don’t want to process in a way that becomes self-focused or that makes me forget why I stayed here. I do feel thankful, however, when I think about “the fullness of Him who fills everything in everyway…” (Ephesians 1:23) and when I think of that verse, I think of all of the cracks and crevices in my heart that God wants to fill with Himself.
That said, Tuesday was hard because I felt really loved – through the affirmation of a spiritual father, through the encouraging words of a younger brother, through the care of life group members, and even through letters from home sent by my parents that I finally had time to read later that evening.
“But seriously – when God works in your life, He works in all of the areas of your life,” I heard her say as she finished sharing about the things that God was doing in her life. This was back in August, in the living room of a city that I claimed as my new home. As I was listening to her, I couldn’t have imagined the ways that God wanted to prove His love and redemptive nature to me in my own life throughout this year.
“The entire law is summed up in one command: love your neighbor as yourself.” (Galatians 5:14) It’s been easy to see this as a one way street – but so encouraging to grasp anew besides the fact that we love God by loving people, that God loves us through people who choose to love their neighbors (us) too.
People ask me when they realize that I have been here for a while if I like Indonesia. While there are myriad things that happen that I still don’t understand and are definitely helping to cultivate patience in me (or at least reveal the lack thereof!), I have to smile as I answer and tell them that I love this place because I know that it is exactly where God wants me to be for this time in my life. It is a place where I have learned how to articulate things that I never quite knew how to express until I came here. A few examples that come to mind: I’ve always wanted my father to be active and present in my life; to have meaningful conversations and share transparently with my mother; to have an older sister; to have a little brother; to know what it feels like to belong…
It’s crazy to think that had my seemingly wonderful plans worked out – would have been third year of law school this year, the possibility of an impending engagement and subsequent marriage built on a faulty foundation (emphasis on possibility) – I could have missed out on experiencing the brokenness and restoration of the relationship with my biological father and gain a spiritual father; to work through the intricacies of the disconnect between parents and children and love lost in translation between the parties – and working through confession of trespasses between my mother and me, and the meaning of forgiveness towards each other; to be mentored by an older sister (Rachel) and encouraged by a younger brother (Sam); and shepherded by everyone else in between…
I haven’t had the chance to jalan-jalan (travel) all around Indonesia and see places like Lake Toba in Sumatra or Komodo Island or Lombok – and I’m not criticizing those who have, but what I do mean to say is that this place has become like a precious home to me even though I’m faraway from those that I love, because here I have been exposed for what I really am, and shown that I am still loved in spite of it – through people who have seen me day in and day out and have loved me as Jesus Christ loved us, by laying down His life for us when He died on the cross for our sins and then rose again.
It’s supposed to be dry season here – and from what I’ve heard, dry season was supposed to have started back in January. Insofar, it rained torrentially at least 3-4 times today. It's a stretch but I mentioned the rain because it just doesn’t make sense that it keeps on raining when really it should be...not raining. Kind of like how in the face of loss, it would be only natural to feel only bereaved; but I'm still so joyful and thankful when I think about the past year – and feel the same as I think about the year to come.
If any of my teammates who are away from this place end up reading this, I miss you incredibly. For those who are here in GMT + 7:00 and reading this, thanks for your love and I’m looking forward to going deeper in our relationships and knowing each other and God more together. And to others who don’t fall into either of those groups, to quote something I read recently, “I hope that you can know how loved you are…by God.”
::bahasa [language] barriers and on overcoming, or trying: “I wait you here,” a colleague said to me before she left earlier today to go on a Local Marketing mapping excursion. “I wish we can talk more but I cannot speak English.” Hearing that broke my heart to think of the barriers I have constructed in my brain and my heart throughout this year foolishly as a way to protect myself from pain experienced from cultural-understanding-fiascos, thinking that they could not understand me and that even though I was learning vocabulary words, somehow my heart hardened to the point where I did not care to put in the effort to actually understand them beyond what words can express. “Negiri ini Indonesia, jadi harus belajar Bahasa Indonesia,” I processed in my brain as I spoke. “This country is Indonesia, so I need to learn the language.” Terus [so], I'll have to work even harder on my language learning as I'll be teaching English in an international curriculum school in a month so that in this relational culture, I can build up relationships with people and love them how One loved me, and made Himself vulnerable with no protection and became obedient to death, even death on a cross. Here are some thoughts on new vocabulary words learned throughout the course of this week:
::tanaman [plant] Yesterday morning, I found on my desk a plant in a plastic bag. I found out that it was from another colleague who transferred our department from General Admin earlier year. Before going to teach my last class, I flew to the lobby where she was sitting and threw my arms around her neck. I think she must have thought that I was crazy, but I’ve been so used to taking care of plants from my mother throughout my college years and I’ve been wanting one so badly this year - and finally a plant! I’m sure I sounded hilarious as I fumbled for words in Bahasa Indonesia to explain that I haven’t had time to search for a plant in the past eleven months here and how grateful I was that she gave one to me. I didn’t even know the word for plant, so I had to turn to her computer and pull up Google translate because I was trying to say everything I was feeling. By the way, the word is tanaman. Definitely an example of God's care through His provision!
::pelajar-pelajarkita – our students; or, on graciousness and generosity
It took a while to get to the smiling faces that you see all together in the picture.
“First time I did not like about your lesson, I feel boring and uncomfortable, you make my class really serious, so I feel hard. I know it is become to hard because I not understand about English. I start from zero and I don’t know anything about it and more hard because you teach me using English and can’t speak with Indonesian language. It is a big problem for me. I don’t know what you are talking and what I must to say with English. But it is a process.”
My student Asep (pictured far right) shared the words above honestly with me in a letter he gave me recently for his self-initiated +/- 200 word essays for me everyday. Though the grammar isn't perfect, it perfectly describes the story of my life for the past two months spent navigating the differences between Southeast Asian and Western classroom culture and also finding my way as a teacher with no formal educational experience. I'm embarrassed to admit that a lot of ugliness surfaced in my heart during that time.
One thing I’ve been learning this year about Indonesian culture (and with over 300 local languages and dialects and just as many people groups, what does that even mean?!) is saving face. It is considered mature to mask one's anger or other negative emotions with a smile. It is also considered mature to save someone else from embarrassment by not directly pointing out another's mistake(s). I struggled with the former, because I am really transparent with my emotions – or sometimes they just leak out of my face when I don’t want them to! So I felt stabbed in the back when people would smile at me even though they were angry or frustrated with me because of something they did not like. Rather than trying to sort out the cultural differences, it was easy to construct barriers in my heart and keep people out rather than taking the risk of getting hurt after letting them in. I am sure I offended my students with the other part of saving face because it was also easy for me to point my accusing finger at my students for not understanding me even though I was the one talking too fast, and also for not telling me directly about their concerns or questions or frustrations. Oh the difficulties that arose from due to us looking at the classroom through different cultural lenses. And I also had a hard time owning up to my pride.
I mention all of that because I was amazed to see my students' faces drop as I shared with them the news that my contract would be finishing and that I would move on to teach at another school. They have seen me at my worst, and yet they expressed outwardly through their body language that they would miss me and my roommates. The girls, our (Sarah, Irene, me) students, invited us out to lunch last week and then showered us in gifts afterward. I’m humbled to think that these people, who are moving overseas because they cannot find work in Indonesia that pays a high enough salary to support themselves and their loved ones, could give us so much through their generosity and their graciousness to cover over mistakes. Even though my students and I share different beliefs, they have challenged me to think about Paul's words from Ephesians: "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:2) Today my students gave me a frame of the picture above, and other pictures we took together. Asep was right - it was definitely a process, and one that I'm thankful for.
::Mami Yuli: I wanted to write about her earlier in the year, and easily hammered out two 8 ½ x 11 pages on her (still the default US page size instead of A4…) one day after she had made me a cup of coffee and fed me in her usual motherly way with some wonderful-tasting cake. I knew that people called her by the name “Mami” and at first, my roommates and I thought it was because she was the mother of Yuli, one of Ruth’s colleagues in Accounting. I later found out that it wasn’t true, and that she had acquired the name based on her character and by being a mother to everyone in the company, older and young alike.
Mami Yuli has been yet another reminder that God shows his care for us by providing for our needs. Some of my most precious moments at work were spent trying to understand each other linguistically when really we understood each other from our hearts perfectly. I’ve learned a lot of Bahasa Indonesia from our conversations, which has helped me in building up relationships with colleagues from our Local Marketing department – from simple things like kadang-kadang [sometimes] to muntah [vomit]. The latter was learned when I was helping myself to some water from the dispenser, and she said that if I drank it, I would muntah and then she proceeded to boil some water for me. There were many mornings when she’d plug in the water boiler for me to make the 1000 rp pakets of ABC coffee I’d buy from the kantin, or even make me coffee herself.
Her presence has meant a lot to me in this year away from my family, especially with being away from my mother during a time when she has been unwell and physically weak. This morning when I gave her some tokens of appreciation which paled in comparison to everything she has given to me throughout this year, she got tears in her eyes and said in Bahasa Indonesia, “It’s like you’re my own child and I’m sad to think that you’re leaving…"I’d have to say that Mami Yuli is one of the most generous people I have met since coming here to Indonesia, and I have been really humbled by her example. I am challenged by her to open my heart and to give freely and sincerely.
::suka duka [bittersweet]: Immediately after the plant episode yesterday, all I could think of was “bittersweet.” It’s sad to leave people in a workplace that I never knew existed a year ago. I asked my colleague Christine if she knew the Bahasa Indonesia equivalent for “bittersweet.” She said that there was no direct translation as I explained the meaning of the word. Discouragement! I turned to my dictionary app and found that there were actually two phrases for my thoughts – one for food, and the other for experience. The latter is suka duka. Suka carries the feeling of “to like” and duka has the feeling of a sense of having lost something, Christine explained. I like it because it rhymes – but it is a hard feeling to process, or try.
At eleven months, I never thought that I’d feel the way I’d feel about some of my team members who have become like family leaving Indonesia. I feel like I’ve been preparing to get my heart ripped out over the past few weeks. At the same time, I’m so thankful for the friends who have become like brothers and sisters to me here. When we meet, I’ve often felt so challenged and sharpened, deposited into, and accepted for who I am just as they know that Jesus has completely loved accepted them. I’m also looking forward to building up relationships with people who will become like my new family throughout the next year when they arrive in less than a week.
